Epitaph
by Elena Ridgeway
Summary: ESF with all types of character angst
1. Default Chapter

DISCLAIMER: I don't own Sam Seaborn or any other character from "The West Wing". That honor belongs to people such as NBC, Aaron Sorkin, and John Wells. I'm only playing with them. Nothing I write will result in any kind of profit. Don't even try and sue me: I get 18 bucks a week from baby-sitting. Won't do ya much good.

NOTE: This is my first West Wing Fanfic :) I don't have a beta reader. I sit, I type, I send. All errors are mine and mine alone. Questions and comments, good or bad, can be posted at ESF or WestWingFanFic or sent to me at spunkie_2003@yahoo.com. Hope you enjoy :)

Minor spoilers for SGTE,SGTJ and TSF

Epitaph (1/2)

by Elena Ridgeway

Josh Lyman groaned as he squinted at the clock: 1:30 am. He had been sound asleep, lost in a peaceful dream in which Donna sat quietly by his side while he watched the Mets play. Donna never did anything quietly. Mike Piazza had just hit a homerun and, while circling the bases, paused to give Josh a thumbs up. Piazza was walking towards him when Josh found himself wide awake. There had been no nightmarish presence to jar him from sleep. He sighed. The dream had been to good to fathom. He was settling down to resume slumber when the phone rang. He glared at the clock again: 1:35 am. Josh rooted around for the phone, and mumbled "Josh. What do ya want?.........uh huh.....what? When? Where?" He sat straight up in bed. "I'll be there in twenty minutes." 

He made it in ten.

George Washington Hospital

Josh entered the nearly empty waiting room, frantically searching for anyone he recognized. Toby came up to him right away. 

"Josh. Thank god you're here. C.J's on her way. So are Leo and the President. I didn't think I could handle waiting on my own." He gave Josh a forced smile. 

"How did it happen, Toby?" The question was barely whispered.

"He was driving home from....wherever he was this weekend. I'm not quite sure." Toby paused, a pained expression on his face from not knowing where his deputy spent his spare time, then continued " The car hit a patch of ice. He slid into a telephone pole. They found my name in his wallet and called me. I got in touch with his parents. They'll be here as soon as they can." Josh nodded.

"How extensive are the injuries?"

"It's........bad. I mean, that's what I got out of it. It's a head injury. They took him down to get a CT maybe, I dunno, 20 minutes ago. He's been unconscious. The doctors won't tell me much. His parents asked that no information be given to anyone until they arrived. I got the info before the nurse gave them the instructions."

"So....we won't know anything until his parents arrive?"

"Yes."

"And that will be...."

"I don't know Josh."

"Ok." The two men sat down, just as CJ ran into the waiting room. Toby launched into an explanation before she had a chance to ask. She bit her lip and nodded her head before taking a seat next to them.

"We ought to work on the press release while we wait, Toby. The president is on his way, and the press are gonna be all over it." CJ spurted out. Toby sighed, then wordlessly walked over to the front desk to see if there was any paper. 

5 hours later

CJ had just left to begin the briefing with Leo. POTUS was sitting beside Josh, listening as his wife demanded answers from the reluctant hospital staff.

"You know, in all these years of marriage, I think this is one battle my wife is going to lose." Jed remarked quietly to Josh. "It figures that it's the one I want her to win the most." He sighed and picked up an outdated 'People' magazine as Josh stared at his watch. Toby was pacing the floor, resisting the temptation to run behind the double doors to find Sam. Abbey was arguing with hospital staff to no avail. Toby's phone began to ring. 

"Toby Ziegler. Yeah........no, I understand......I'll tell them. Thanks." He hung up and turned towards his friends. "That was Leo. He wants Josh and the President to head back to the White House. I'm gonna stay and wait for his parents. CJ will call if she needs any help." Jed nodded and motioned for his wife to follow them. Josh was less responsive.

"I'm not leaving, Toby. He's my best friend, and I want to be here for him. I need to be here for him." 

"I know how you feel, but Leo needs you to go to the White House. You have work to do. Sam would understand. He was the same way after you were shot, but he eventually did the right thing. You'll be the first person I call when his parents arrive."

"Before the president, even?" Josh asked in a remarkably small voice.

"Before the president." Toby promised. Josh rose from his seat, gave him a small smile, and walked out of the waiting room. Toby once again stared at the double doors.

2 Hours Later

A harried looking woman rushed into the waiting room and to the front desk. Toby's eyes perked up at the sight of her: it had to be Sam's mother. His suspicions were confirmed as he heard her frantic pleas.

"My son was brought in during the night. Seaborn? Sam Seaborn. Could you please give me information? No one's told me anything." One of the nurses left to get a doctor. Mrs. Seaborn turned around and was face to face with Toby. "Mr. Ziegler?"

"Please call me Toby, m'am."

"How is he?"

"I don't know. You gave the doctors instructions not to release information. They won't tell me anything." Mrs. Seaborn looked confused.

"I didn't give any instructions........it must have been his father. You've been here all this time. They haven't said anything?"

"Not a word. We..." Toby was cut off by the appearance of a doctor.

"Are you related to Sam Seaborn?" The doctor peered at the woman in front of him, noticing the resemblance. 

"Yes. I'm his mother. I need to know how my son is."

"Sam was injured when his car slid off the road into a telephone poll. He sustained extensive...."

"WAIT! I want to hear about my son." Sam's father ran over to the trio.

"I can't believe you! First you forbid the hospital to release any information about our son so his friends can't find out if he's all right, then you interrupt this conversation. Your incorrigible!"

"Don't start with me, Leslie. We've both had long flights, so I'll let your comments slide for now..."

"And don't you act like you're doing me a favor! I can't believe..."

"EXCUSE ME!" Toby bellowed at the arguing couple. "I've been here since 1 o'clock this morning. I called you both to inform you about this accident. And I haven't heard a word about Sam's condition. Can you at least wait and find out how your son is before you rip each other apart?" They blinked at him as they realized their mistake.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Ziegler. I had no idea." Mrs. Seaborn was extremely apologetic. Toby gave her a small smile, then nodded towards the doctor, who had been waiting patiently to continue. Sam's father grunted a quick apology.

"As I was saying earlier, Sam was brought in with extensive head injuries. His CT scan showed swelling and bruising, but no bleeding. His skull was fractured. He has been unconscious since it happened because he is in a coma." The doctor took a deep breath, then continued. "We have him hooked up to a ventilator and other life support machines. His EEG says that there is no brain activity. I'm very sorry." Mrs. Seaborn gasped.

"You mean that.......that Sam is.....dead?"

"Not exactly. His heart and other systems are functioning, but only due to the life support. The moment we take it off, Sam will die. I'm sorry to inform you like this. I can have a nurse take you back and see him. Sam doesn't have a DNR or a living will, does he?"

"No."

"There will be a woman coming to talk to you about organ donation. Her name is......"

"You mean that's it!" Toby asked angrily. "You're not going to give him a chance? You don't know Sam, he's a fighter. He can pull through this! Why are you giving up on him!"

"Mr. Ziegler, we're not giving up on Sam. There is nothing that anyone can do for him. I'm sorry, but your friend is going to die." Toby sat down, in obvious shock. Mr. Seaborn put his arm around his soon to be ex-wife, who didn't fight his embrace.

"Will you please take us to see our son?" The doctor nodded. 

"Mr. Ziegler, are you coming?"

"I will. I have to call the President and inform him we just lost a member of his senior staff." Toby looked horrified at his own words and watched them walk down the hallway. Then he picked up the phone.

30 minutes later

The doctor had greeted the plethora of people that had arrived with remorse. Everyone was in shock. The Seaborn's had announced that they were going to release Sam from the life support after everyone had gotten a chance to say goodbye. They felt that Sam would not want to have his life prolonged that way. No one disagreed: they formed a line outside the ICU room and prepared to say farewell to Sam Seaborn.

Ainsley

"Oh wow, Sam....I....I had no idea this was gonna be so hard. You just look like you're sleepin, ya know? I mean, how can this be happening? You were so good to me, Sam. You fought for me, to get me some respect, to get the President to see me. I won't waste it. I'm gonna make the most of this, because I know that whatever reservations you may have about me, you still want me to do my best for the administration. I'm gonna miss ya." The tears fell softly onto the sheets. Ainsley gave his hand a small squeeze, then exited.

Cathy

"Sam, there is so much I want to say to you, and not enough time to say it. But I'm going to try. You are the smartest person I have ever worked for. You always made me feel appreciated and like I mattered. I can't imagine working for anyone else. I can't see myself working for anyone else. You....oh god......I'm never going to forget you, Sam. I can't........I don't....." Cathy was unable to speak as she forced herself to take a long look at her boss. "Goodbye." She said softly. She leaned over, kissed his cheek, and hurried out of the room. 

Donna

"Sam. Wow, I can't believe this is the last time I'm ever going to talk to you. I mean, no more getting drunk, or making fun of Josh. I don't think I'll be able to make fun of him without you. You always had the funniest things to say. I don't want to take up to much time, but I want you to know that I always thought you were the coolest guy. How else could you put up with me and Josh combined? That's a killer. Just......I respect you, I will always respect you. You're the best, Sam Seaborn." Donna hastily wiped her eyes. "I'm so sorry I didn't get to know you better." She smoothed his dark hair before bursting into tears, and promptly left.

Zoey and Charlie

"My mom told me what to expect, but I had no idea. I mean......I...." Zoey began to cry and Charlie held her tight.

"Zoey wanted you to know that she thinks you are an awesome author and that she was glad you worked for her father. She always wished she could write like you. And she thought you were cute." Zoey continued to cry, and Charlie continued to talk. "I have always felt you were a great man, Mr. Seaborn. I can't imagine the West Wing without you. You.........you were.......you are.....irreplaceable. I....." Charlie found himself unable to speak. He swallowed hard. "Goodbye, Sam."

Abbey

"Well, Samuel, I don't have much to say to you. You are an exceptional writer. You are an exceptional part of my husband's staff. You are an exceptional person, and a great loss." A small tear slid down her cheek. "Don't tell anyone I cried here, Sam. I have a reputation to keep." More tears followed in suit, and the First Lady didn't try to stop them. "Well, I guess I can ruin my reputation for you. We'll all miss you, Sam. More than you know."

Mallory

"I almost got into a wreck myself trying to get here. Funny, isn't it? I was so angry at you for not calling, but it all faded away when I saw you. I had to throw my relationship in your face so I didn't fall for you all over again." She paused, gently caressing the side of his face. "I kept telling myself you weren't worth my effort, that I should forget you. I didn't forget you, Sam. I missed you. I wanted to be with you. Now I just hate myself for not giving into the moment and letting myself be loved by you. I want you to hate me, Sam. I want you to wake up and berate me and forbid me to ever see you again." The tears were flowing in a steady stream down Mallory's face, but she continued. "I think I need you to hate me, so I can feel better about everything. But I know that you don't hate me. I know that you feel awful about everything. Let it go. It's my fault, everything is my fault. It's my fault I wouldn't let you see that I loved you. I love you." She kissed him on the forehead and on the cheek. She held his hand, squeezed it lovingly, and let go. Then she looked up at the ceiling. "God, if you're up there, take care of him." She glanced back at Sam. "Goodbye, Skipper. I'll always remember."

Leo

"I'm sure that everyone said basically everything already, and I hate to bore you with all that sentimental crap. You and me both know I'm not a sentimental guy. I just want to say that I'm sorry I tried to screw with you and Mallory, and if I ever said anything mean, I'm sorry. I have to keep a straight head on, since everyone is losing it. You were an asset to this campaign and an outstanding human being. I'll never forget ya." Leo gave the deputy one final glance. "Oh yeah. I forgive you for looking at my wife."

He cleared his throat, nodded at the unconscious man, and left.

CJ

"Well Spanky, you've done it this time. Toby is never gonna forgive ya for this one." She paused as she regarded her comments. "I didn't mean it like that. It's just........I don't know what to say to you. You were one of the people who gave me things to say. I'm just awful with words. I'll just tell you how it is. I love you like a brother, and I always will. You always make me laugh. You always help me when I need it. I can't imagine the job without you, but I'll try my best. I know you'd get all fluffed up if I quit. I'm gonna miss you so much Spanky. No one can ever replace you." She stood and wiped her eyes. "I'll pray for you every night. You'll always be there for us, I know it. Goodbye." CJ quickly walked away.

Jed

"I don't know what to say, Sam. I know how I feel, but every time I try to say it comes out wrong. That's why you write all my speeches for me. I figure I can just sit here, and blabber, and you'll understand anyways. I know one thing for sure: That I wouldn't be the President of the United States without you. I am forever indebted to you. I'm not sure what religion you are, and that disappoints me. I ought to know. I'm gonna pray the rosary now, and hope that it agrees with whatever you are." Jed prayed, then rose from his seat. "Goodbye and god bless you, Sam."

Josh

"I never thought I would have to do this. I always thought that we'd be older and it'd be quicker. The thought that only machines are keeping you alive gives me a new perspective. I'm not sure on what, but I'm seeing a lot of things differently right now. I wish there was a way to justify this. I mean, I'm a self-centered egotistical bastard. You are Mr. Nice Guy. You couldn't hurt anyone but yourself." Josh sat down, then stood up again. "Why, Sam? After all we've been through, you're just going to leave now? No final statement, no last words to remember you by? I can't accept it. I thought that you'd make a profound statement before you kicked the bucket. I just.......I can't do this. I can't say goodbye to you. Because you'll never be gone to me, Sam. You'll always be there in some way, shape, or form. You'll always be with me. I will never ever forget you. I'm sorry if I ever hurt your feelings. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you I was having problems. And I'm sorry it's not me that is dying. I deserve to die more than you do." Josh stared down at his best friend and sat down. "I'll never find another friend like you. I'll never replace you. I'll never replace you." His sobs began quietly, then escalated until they wracked his entire body. "I'm just glad I knew you as long as I did. I love you, buddy. Have fun with the angels in heaven." Josh wiped his eyes, ruffled Sam's hair before walking away. He stopped at the door and turned, gazing for the last time at his best friend, then forced himself through the door.

Toby

"CJ told me that you said I was your favorite writer. I blew it off when she told me, because I didn't want you to know how much it meant to me. It means a lot, Sam. More than you'll ever know. I know that I'm mean and I'm a hard-ass. That's never gonna change, because I have to be. That's the only way I'm dealing with this. With you, dying. It's only gonna affect me in this room, and at your funeral. I can't let it affect me anywhere else. Don't think I don't care, Sam. It's killing me. I can't imagine working with anyone else. I don' want to work with anyone else. You were the perfect Deputy Communications Director. I couldn't dream of a better person. Even though you drove me crazy with the way you wrote, the President always sounded perfect when he uttered your words." Toby ran his hands through his non existant hair, then sat in the chair. "I just want you to know that I appreciate you. I didn't mean to demean you in any way when I summoned you with the rubber ball. I appreciate you. And I love you like a son." Toby stood at the doorway, looking down at his deputy. He closed his eyes and left the room. 

Sam's parents went into his room together, and came out an hour later. His mother looked at the crowd of people still assembled outside the room and cleared her throat. 

"We're going to.........to.....shut........off..." Mrs. Seaborn was unable to get the words out. Mr. Seaborn took over.

"We're going to shut off the machines now. You are all invited to be in the room. They'll be removing him right away, since Sam is an organ donor. This way he'll be able to touch other's lives as well." They turned and walked back in, followed by everyone. They formed a circle around Sam's bedside. The doctor walked in, along with a team of transplant surgeons. He gave them all a grim smile.

"I'm so sorry for your loss," he stuttered. The presence of the Presidential staff intimidated him. He slowly began to turn off the various life support machines surrounding his patient. Everyone collectively held their breath as the last piece of equipment was turned off. Seconds passed, and the heart monitor continued to beat. A minute passed, and still his heart was pumping.

The line went flat and the monitor emitted a shrill sound when they were least expecting it. The doctor silently turned it off. Sam Seaborn was dead.


	2. part II

DISCLAIMER: see part one

NOTES: Yes, I know, I am evil. I did kill Sam, and I'm not bringing him back. If you don't like it, don't read it. I love Sam to death, and I'd have problems watching the show without him, but I had to write this (and I'm not sure why). Sorry. And I've only been to one funeral in my lifetime, so I'm trying to make it accurate. Once again I have no beta-read, so all errors are mine and mine alone. Song is "Dante's Prayer" by Loreena McKennitt. I get no profit from using it, just like the tune and lyrics. The dates at the end are approximate, judging from things I've read on various sites.

Epitaph (2/2)

by Elena Ridgeway

The Funeral

California

Everyone had flown out to California for Sam's burial. It wasn't actually a burial. Sam had stated he would prefer to be cremated, his ashes thrown into the warm waters of the Pacific. He had loved to sail off the coast. A plaque with his epitaph (which Toby and Josh had chosen) would be placed in John Marshall Park. Sam's mother cried as she read it, his father looked away and gave a sharp nod of his head. No one else would see it until it was unveiled. 

After the Secret Service gave them the go ahead, the President and his entourage silently filed onto the boat which would take them to Sam's final resting place. All walked onto the front deck. Zoey kept a tight grip on Charlie's hand. Leo held Mallory against his shoulder as she wept. CJ and Toby stood beside each other, eyes fixed upon the glistening water. Josh seemed as if he were in a trance, while Donna stood behind him, rubbing his shoulders. The First Lady was comforting Cathy as Ainsley stood nearby. The President, for once, was quiet as he stood with Sam's bereaved parents. No one knew what to say, or how to act. The past few days had been rough on everyone. The press had been all over the story and some followed the motorcade out to the docks before being chased of by Secret Service. Everyone was glad: Sam deserved a quiet ceremony.

After half and hour the boat stopped. Sam's mother cleared her throat.

"I want to thank you all for being here during this difficult time. My husband and I appreciate your support. Sam was proud to work with all of you. Thank you." Her eyes welled up with tears as she looked at the urn in her hands, then she willingly accepted her husband's embrace. The loss of their son took precedence over any marital problems they suffered from. Toby saw Mr. Seaborn nod his head, then began to address the mourners. 

"Josh Lyman and I have been racking our brains this week to figure out what we could possibly say about Sam Seaborn. We argued, and we fought. What do we want to remember about Sam? It's different for every one of us. Maybe it was the way he smiled." Toby gave a quick glance toward Mallory. "Maybe it was his youthful energy." He gave a slight nod towards Charlie and Zoey. "The way he joked around with you" He gave Donna a quick smile, "the way he made you angry," he grinned at Leo, "the way he made you feel welcome," he gestured at Ainsley. "Maybe it was how he was willing to help you out," Toby fixated his gaze on CJ, " or how he would do something little to let you know you were appreciated." His eyes turned to Cathy. "Sam was the best friend," Toby continued as he nodded at Josh, "best son," as he motioned at Sam's parents, "and best deputy." He pulled a small rubber ball from his pocket, and squeezed it in his hand before continuing. "Most of all, Sam was always willing to serve at the pleasure of the President. He loved writing, and he loved to speak vicariously through the most powerful man in America." Toby gave a pointed look at the President. "Sam didn't regret a single thing he had done. Don't regret not doing something or not saying something now. It's pointless. Just don't forget Sam Seaborn. Thank you." Toby surveyed the people around him, and noticed most were crying. A small tear seemed to be trickling down his face. A finger gently wiped it away, and he found CJ beside him, giving his hand a squeeze.

Sam's mother walked back into the ship and returned with a portable CD player, which she set on the deck. Cathy pushed the play button. 

_When the dark wood fell before me_

Mrs. Seaborn made her way to the front of the ship._  
And all the paths were overgrown_

She clutched the urn tightly against her chest, unwilling to let him go just yet._  
When the priests of pride say there is no other way_

Her husband gently touched her shoulder to let her know it was all right. _  
I tilled the sorrows of stone_

And then gave her a hug to let her know she was not alone.

__

I did not believe because I could not see

Together the held the urn out over the water._  
Though you came to me in the night_

And whispered a prayer under their breath for their son._  
When the dawn seemed forever lost_

Slowly they tilted the urn sideways._  
You showed me your love in the light of the stars_

And watched as he reached his final resting place.

__

Cast your eyes on the ocean

Mrs. Seaborn thought about Sam when he was a child._  
Cast your soul to the sea_

Mr. Seaborn thought about all the e-mails he would never receive._  
When the dark night seems endless_

Then both of them began to sob_  
Please remember me_

As the final realization hit: Sam would never come back.

__

Then the mountain rose before me

The President embraced his wife_  
By the deep well of desire_

As she recited a prayer._  
From the fountain of forgiveness_

Ainsley silently asked for forgiveness for all the times she angered him_  
Beyond the ice and fire_

While Cathy stood beside her in shock.

__

Cast your eyes on the ocean

Donna thought about the joke she never got to tell him._  
Cast your soul to the sea_

Charlie nodded his head in deep admiration. 

__

When the dark night seems endless

Zoey clutched his hand and prayed._  
Please remember me_

Mallory recalled his smile and his voice as tears ran down her cheeks. 

__

Though we share this humble path, alone

CJ clutched her necklace._  
How fragile is the heart_

Leo thought about all the inane trivia Sam knew that reminded him of the President._  
Oh give these clay feet wings to fly_

Josh thought about the conversations they had

__

To touch the face of the stars

Toby gave the rubber ball one final squeeze before he let it roll into the ocean.

__

Breathe life into this feeble heart

The boat began to move again

__

Lift this mortal veil of fear

Everyone silently looked at each other

__

Take these crumbled hopes, etched with tears

And grasped hands.

__

We'll rise above these earthly cares

Mrs. Seaborn said amen, and they let go.

__

Cast your eyes on the ocean

Everyone looked at the ocean

__

Cast your soul to the sea

As the boat docked.

_When the dark night seems endless_

They gathered their things

_Please remember me_

As they exited the boat.

_Please remember me_

And they thought about Sam.

Two weeks later, they were the first people to see the plaque.

Samuel Norman Seaborn

1968-2001

White House Deputy Communications Director

1998-2001

"It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done;

it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known."

-Charles Dickens

The epitaph is from "A Tale of Two Cities"

If I get bugged enough, I may consider writing an alternate ending.


End file.
